I loved having our west coast family here. My cousins from there are great and it would help to add to the lack of family. I don’t know if I was fortunate to never have any real vivid and emotional attachments to my grandparents or not. I was born just after everyone had either passed on or was going to die. I personally have never experienced someone I really cared about dying!

Anyway I am at a coffee shop, the one I hate! I don’t know how I do! I am sad right now. Most of the time I don’t want to face the reality of the ones I love dying.


In a season from Netflix, one of the characters says, Passing on is just a polite way to say someone is dead. I agree with it to a point. Passing on, is someone (or thing) is dead. I feel that to mention “isn’t that guy dead?” is a little disrespectful. I know it is a tad hypocritical considering I don’t have an ounce of “God” in me  


 

Surprispe

04/27/2017

1 Comment

 
I am working on publishing a book inspired by Jenny Lawson! So keep your eyes open
 
 
Valentines day                                                         2/14/17

Sorry for the late post, I was going to post it on Valentines Day

  As you can tell by the date was Valentines Day. People make such a big fucking deal about it!!! The people with others feel compelled to do something, well some do. The people with no one who create their anniversary or whatever on this day its shitty. My friend’s anniversary is today. It’s a smart thing to do if you have a poor memory, however like every year it still comes around till your dead. My sister is with someone and she loves holidays but doesn’t see a big deal and frankly at the end of it I don’t either. You can make your own valentines day any day and it’s a shitty reminder for people.

I can’t figure something witting to say. Well I did just realize it was Valentines Day sitting here. I throw up my fist with a middle finger in the air to this day. Essentially it only benefits the restaurants, movie theatres and other places you literally can visit 365 days minus holidays.

Enough of that, its just another day! In the scheme of this like any holiday that involves another day to justify to get make a fool of yourself by putting mustard and ketchup on you Ding a ling thing. Well I guess it would be something else! Guys you know what I mean.

Take New Years, Yeah so we have been though another 365 days, what’s there to celebrate about that. It literally means that everything and everyone is that much older? What my actual point is, it’s just an excuse to get shit faced. DUH you can do that any day of the week! No ones giving you permission. It’s a little different when you’re under age. Once you’re of age it really is just another day.

 
 
Whew, for anyone that suffers from either of these mental illnesses, knows how trying life can be! My medication messes with my logical thinking! It also lowers my energy level considerably.

I will use a scale of one to ten. One being the lowest and ten the highest level of energy, my best days are when I have positive energy from people around me. However my energy is still lower than others regardless. Say your energy level is at a eight on a regular day, mine would be at a six. The lower my energy level the harder to cope with the smallest of undertakings I have trouble with. Others wonder why I can’t keep hobbies on continuing to write. I get stressed and defeated more than others quickly. When others with a energy level of eight can keep pushing on through all the shit that life throws at them. For anyone who suffers daily from these debilitating mental illnesses knows exactly what I mean.

To control this disorder I have, to have some control I need to be on higher dosages than the regular person with a typical classification of epilepsy. I hate it for this reason. No amount of medication, classification or surgery can help control the malformation I have.

My mind is constantly spinning and there is nothing to control it. I sit here and listen to my music and still hear that voice in the back of my head feeding me negative thoughts about my life and how to fill my day.

I had a really negative comment come in! If you don't like what I have to say, don't bother commenting please. This is My blog and I have some mental illnesses. I am doing this for people with mental illnesses not to be criticized for something I have absolutely no control over. I know people with day to day struggles will understand.   
 
 
The Invisible Disorder

Well I have come to realize that strangers, or even people I socialize on a daily basis at the coffee shop don’t necessarily know what I deal with under my skin. I look as if I am “normal” (hate that word) wouldn’t necessarily know what to do if I was to have a seizure, because I have learned to hide the smaller ones and the bigger ones could catch them off guard and they may not know what to do. I get no real warning to when I will blank out and fall backwards. I find it always catches people off guard, oh and don’t try to “catch” me!

The store is obligated to call the EMS for liability reasons, as much I hate it I also understand, It just escalates my stress levels and embarrassment. I know, I shouldn’t be embarrassed, it’s hard not to be when I have ten people hovering over me then the EMS arrive and do their steps to make sure I am good. The positive side is that there is always one person, even if they don’t know why, they have this genuine caring personality that would help me even without having to understand what is going on!

This is the irony of my thought process.

This is has always been a struggle for me. I walk, talk and act as if I don’t have Epilepsy. Unless I have a seizure you would never know unless you knew me That is a little redundant, but it is true.
 
 
I survived 2017 Easter weekend. Normally I fucking hate these holidays. Not because they are about family, but in my case lack thereof my family.. I had easter dinner with my Nuffie neighbors and ALL their family. My neighbors are incredibly generous and down right great people.

It was a little awkward, but I did my best.

It made me see to see ALL of them and remembering the times we had those days where we all got together. It’s sad, everyone just has completely given up. No effort put into arranging any dinners. I can understand in some ways, but shit hit the fan years ago. None of our family, besides my sister gives a shit. I actually do, after seeing my neighbors family and friends. The only family we have is each other, but we have ended up adopting my brother in-laws family.
 
 
  1. There is a great void between the spaces of letters and silence...This is your voice

  2. There is no rhyme or reason to life! Life is life, no matter what/who you choose to believe in, or what gets you through your day-to-day shit; life is not an equation and cannot be measured.

  3. We can make all the right or wrong choices in life, it doesn’t guarantee that life goes your way. Life may be linear as far as your age goes, but we all get a curveball when least expected.

 
 
I realize that I am behind on blogging. I have been focused on my book and neglected my site for a while, my apologies. I have had a rough couple weeks. I have now bailed on 3 Meet-ups! One was tomorrow about shyness and anxiety. However my sister invited me to her place tomorrow. Family comes first for me and there always be another meet-up. So I did do this conscientiously. My parents are away, but none of us are religious, well my mom to a point. Either way Easter is just about chocolate now. I think if Jesus he would start another plague!
I know some disagree with some my believe theories, but remember I have nothing against yours. As I always say, what helps you cope with day to day pressures, obstacles and life is yours and I have mine. I am not famous and here in lies my issue with blogging. I get discouraged when no one writes anything. I have provided all the reputable links, but if I was well known I would have people responding so I may as well be writing for my book then anything else. This didn't turn out the way I had hoped. Sorry, it is life probably telling me something. But when I publish my book, then I will have the money and fans to create a real blog. Signing off for now
 
 
OK, this is seriously funny, in an ironic way! I was all set to go to my first "Meetup" tonight! Of course I was anxious, that is a given for me. I am in between medication changes and it isn't working out...The story of my life! This is the part of me that hates me and my limitations. I walk to have coffee, yes you are right I could have a seizure at any point!!! However this is a strange outing and a big crowd of people that do not no me from... a Stranger (I was hoping that something clever would come out) Anyway so another weekend by myself watching netflix Daredevil and Iron Fist. Fucking lame. This is my daily struggle to find friends, but then this Freak of mother natures creations decides "Nope, you are going to stay a loser for now"
I don't mean all of that, it's societal repression. I should have friends, I should go out, I should...WTF. right now I am depressed and angry I was born this way.

I don't know where I stand with reincarnation, but say I did. I probably shot someone or worse, because I didn't get much from this life so far, but wisdom about things that piss me off, like societal pressure, drinking and smoking! You name it.  So that's my feel good thoughts for the day. Your not alone, even if you feel like me binge watching netflix and drinking wine!!!
 

To Serious 

04/06/2017

 
I have found this website to have become a little more serious then intended! In fact all I wanted was a Blog, which is my fault. I have provided many useful links and content. However as seriously as this disorder should be taken, if you cannot find a way to laugh at yourself then all the websites and information won't help. I would like to rid some of the world of their ignorance, but this is exactly why I created this site. Anyway it sucks shit out and is raining and I cannot drive and so on and so on. Yes it is depressing, because I know how to drive a car, boat, snowmobile and anything else that has a motor in it. So i guess I am venting a little as well. i am lucky to be able to afford a car, but it would just collect dust in my underground parking garage. I actually had a semi-future career planned out before I started to blank out and drop, that was a kick to the balls. I am still upset about it today. My therapist did put it in perspective for me however. She said its not that I can't drive these this, but that it is just dangerous for me and everyone around. So, I don't feel as bad about it anymore.
 

    Steve K

    Hi...You know my name, but my name! My site may change however I will still have the same link. I encourage you to share your stories and struggles, because I know what it is like!

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