Ok, this is at the moment post! My anxiety level keeps rising. I have Ativan for this and when my seizures get out of control. However it only does so much, the rest is up to me!
I feel I have to write, because most of my anxiety stems from me feeling like I have accomplished nothing, even though I have! It is a complete paradox. I hate feeling this way because I don't want to move all I want to do is curl up in a little ball and waste away. And for the essay companies or any other psych companies that hit my site. Don't say I need help and you can go to hell, because I am getting help. The irony about anyone saying this just makes me feel worse!!! So I don't need your advice so don't bother to comment and just because its on the web doesn't justify you giving me your opinion. There is a ton of shit out there that is way bigger then my little blog!!! Sorry for commenting on this. Anyway back to my anxiety I know most of you feel the same in one way People have said shit that don't need too. Life is not easy, I always ask the question "Why me" and most of you probably do as well. I am just frustrated because it all is related to my Epilepsy and the cocktail of medication I am on. So this is your up to date anxiety report 

Oh my GOD, it was hell. My parents rented a Marriott Residence Inn for me. They were doing a double blind of this unknown KYP medication. I had to be on it with my other medication. That right there is a cocktail for a disaster.

This was a drug trial that was done at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore. They came in weekly blister packs and I was given a very simple method of keeping track of my seizures.

It was an “A to C” system. A, being a certain type of seizure and C the worst of my seizures A.K.A generalized, fall back smack my head off something and be disoriented for 20 to 30 minutes after. Sometimes I forgot to record those due to my disoriented nature.

We stayed in the Residence Inn because it was more of a very, very small condo

Marriott created these places for business people who had to stay somewhere for a month at a time.

My mom stayed with me for a month or so. I block some of it out, because it was such a terrible experience.

So I went on an unknown dosage of medication right away. It was ok in the beginning, but as weeks turned to months I just got more groggy and doped up. My speech was slurred.

After my mom left I had a television, but they removed the movie channels, so if a movie was on, I had to watch it at six pm or I would miss it.

Do you remember the movie “Live, Die, Repeat? Well I certainly repeated enough times to recite the movie. It came on right as I was making my dinner.

I don’t do regular television, it is boring for me and it doesn’t take up enough time in the night to make it to bedtime. I know it probably, well not probably, most definitely not a good thing to drink wine when I was on a trial, but I was so alone and tried of keeping this stupid schedule. My study took me into the winter there.

Baltimore is called the “Armpit of Maryland” I kid you not. Almost everywhere was dangerous. I remember being there just before my surgery and it had the highest crime rate per capita in all of the United States. Now Baltimore is not a big city compared to others, but that news was very pleasant to hear.

Honestly I don’t know how to be sarcastic as I write. Of course it was not pleasant at all. It was down right scary as shit!!!

(Anyway I will cover that when I cover my second surgery)

Back to me staying at the Residence Inn. After my mom left a couple nights later I hear two bangs, but nothing after that. I didn’t want to worry or investigate it at all. I went outside for my morning smoke. The Baltimore police were taping off the Seven Eleven right across the street. What I found out later is that I was just inside the downtown core and it was a very dangerous area. It was probably nicer back when the city wasn’t as violent. Well, that put an end to my wondering around pretty quickly.

We organized a caregiver, not that I “needed” one but more for company. It was like hiring a companion, but without the perks.
She did have a car so we went places. She was a very nice girl and we enjoyed our time, minus the perks.

I think I must have stayed a total of six to eight months, from hell. I had a bitch of a researcher. She was so cold and unfriendly. I can get away with calling her a bitch, because only five people now who I am talking about.

One night at the residence my insides decided not to co-operate, so it rejected everything inside me. I was severely overdosing. I ran to the washroom and threw up. Then I had the shits, “well isn’t that great” have the shit and now and on top of that, I have to throw up again. I aimed for the tub beside me and missed. Your are probably thinking this section is really gross and yes it is, but I am sure some of you have had this happen! Nonetheless I had the maids clean it. I apologized profusely telling them the reason.  


After all this crappy insistent (no pun intended) I went home, but had to go back and give them the Bister packs every month it that was a trip and a half. At that time Air Canada was running propeller planes and the seats would barely fit me. The flight attendant went around and asked some people to move to balance out the plane. Well that gave me a lot of confidence, yeah right! Georgian Air purchased them and turned them into jet-propelled planes, which eliminated the need to balance out the place. I am thinking it is because they are more powerful!

At the end of one trial visit the bitch of a nurse asked us the stupidest question. “We ran out of his trial drug, do you mind returning next week”

WTF are you on crack, duh we live in Canada) It is a 700.00$ ticket and a hour and a half plane ride, or a nine hour drive.

The female dog (A.K.A bitch) was telling my mom this and she was probably thinking the same thing. I think she threatened to drop the study if she didn’t get them by tomorrow morning. My mom had to rush to Johns Hopkins and get a blister pack for one month. The research nurse was a total pain in the ass.

We did get the month’s worth of the blister pack the day we were head back home to Toronto.

After the trial
So I am home in Toronto ON. and the medication is still fucking me up and so I stopped the trial to go on Topamax. As I mentioned it really screwed me up. This was back in October right before Halloween. The E.R was a really haunted house .My sister was the only family close in proximity to me.  I feel bad for my sister because I was totally out of it, but the E.R is not a place to visit on Halloween. It was scaring the shit out of me, let alone someone sober, like my sister. My sister handled the situation with grace, even though she was the only one to stay with me in the E.R.
She didn’t even take my nieces trick or treating my brother in law did. I feel grateful to have her in my life. I know I am repeating myself, but what the hell there will be content in my writing that I didn’t put in the other section.

In the E.R you have to let go of any dignity you have, because they don’t let you out of that bed for any reason. SOOOO you have to do all your bodily functions in front of everyone. I am sure they put something in your I.V bag to stone you. I don’t think I did mention it, but I disseize the E.R. It is the shittiest place to be, almost literally! I avoid going there at all costs. Anyway about two days later they took my to the neurology wing where I was put in the EMU, insert visual here (___________________)

I spent a week in the hospital being monitored for, probably the fifth time. I always go in there with a positive attitude, but it is the shittest ( I wish the stupid dictionary had swear words in it) experience. For those who have been in this situation knows exactly how it feels.

The worst type of seizure I have is when I fall backwards! So they labeled me as a fall hazard! So I had to call the nurse every time I wanted out of bed unless my family was there. Eventually I got so sick of holding my bodily functions I just got up. Yeah, I got in shit every time I did, but they never came in time.

It was really funny, because the night nurse was this tiny, but plump littlie Pilipino woman who probably couldn’t curl 15 pounds. Since I was on camera, they always knew when I got up, so they would call her. She would give me shit,

Honestly it was hard to take her seriously, because she was all of five foot four!

I was a little defiant that way, even they are responsible for my well being. They can be responsible for me if I do fall.

I was still really out of it though. My sister helped me sort my medication. I took whatever they gave me. Hell, it could have been vicotin and I wouldn’t have a clue. It might have been a good trip, but then again I have never taken it, honesty I had no clue what the fuck I was on. My sis saved me! She got a notebook and the pen that allows you to pick red, blue, green and black.

She called my Neurologist and nurse in Baltimore. I didn’t have a neurologist at Toronto Western hospital for at least ten years.

To be Continued
Hi and sorry to all that have found my site. I am in the middle of writing a book and have negated to address some of your input. It is difficult at times to put myself out in public, however I find that it helps quite a bit in the long run. My list of adventures, Not fun ones goes on for years. I did create this blog to help others understand that who ever suffers from any mental struggles can contact me. To be honest I have had a few very rough weeks. My birthday is coming up. I will be 38 years old and feel like a complete failure. I told my therapist this and we are going to revisit this she said. YEAH well I feel defeated and worthless right now. It is this reason why I say your not alone and this is the reason why I created this Epilepsy Blog, but its not just for individuals who suffer from Epilepsy that can relate. So I am very sorry for those who expected more from this and I hope that you revisit my blog. I have had a great deal of severe depression and anxiety lately and have had trouble bring myself to much more then write my book. Good health to all and I promise to do a better job. This is still new to me as well    

    Steve K

    Hi...You know my name, but my name! My site may change however I will still have the same link. I encourage you to share your stories and struggles, because I know what it is like!


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