Well, isn’t this ducky. Once again sitting going to make dinner and then plunk my ass down in front of the TV to watch “Supernatural” on Netflix! I just find it so hard to find friendsecially when I am not out in the work force. It makes it doubly hard to just sitting in a coffee shop with earphones on. I would not take time to write my journal/book. However I have not worked since I was 25 or 26 that’s 11 or 12 years. I don’t even have a solid resume, although I never really worked in an office so I don’t have the office experience. Anyway its always been a struggle for me no matter what friends or no friends I have. I mean I do have plans and have come far since a couple years ago, but that stupid Ego keeps telling me I am no good. There are many, many people much worse off then I am, yet I cannot see this. I was depressed last night when I started this, so I feel a little more optimistic. I still cannot shake this loneliness and feeling pathetic. I know its just a big fat lie my head is telling me. This is exactly my problem. It’s always been a shadow that follows me around. Depression and anxiety kill me sometimes, literally of course. I can get to this point where you cannot take it anymore. To a point I can understand the theory their brain tells them that no one would miss them, but by this time it is to late. I have fortunately never gotten to this point. Never planning how I am going to do it. I will be honest I have thought about it many, many times, but there are many people that would really miss me. They keep me pushing through the shitty life I feel I have. I look around and see my friends married and have girlfriends or baby(s) and I feel so alone. Maybe this is my destiny, I don’t fucking know. It’s a shitty one that’s for sure. I am sitting here in the coffee shop waiting to see my therapist, wondering if I should print this out and read it to her. I think I should!
Now I am back home, surprisingly more comfortable! The Irony there is ironic. It is a paradox to the way I should be feeling, but listening to my music and typing gives me a sense of peace,
Ok take my birthday week for example. It was the best birthday that I can remember in a long time. The only birthday’s that I really enjoyed was up north with fireworks and a barge we used to rent from a local person. This barge was huge, it would hold almost a full sized backhoe and a pile of steel. It held 50 people without even sinking a little.
The week was exhausting. By the weekend I was spent physically and emotionally.
I don’t expect to do something every night. My good friend is married and does things with their married couples. Well I am not married nor do I really want to, but do wish I had someone to come home too. I am envious of him, but I also don’t know how I would handle her making a shit more doe than me. Both of my cousins have had it rough. It seems to be a family trait. Pick a girl/woman that we can’t make the relationship work.
My dad was loyal for a long time, but he keeps everything in and I mean everything. I know they wouldn’t like me writing about them, but it was a very emotional time and feel it is very important to put in my book. Sorry guys, but it was a big part minus the epilepsy.
My dad had affair for I don’t know how long. My mom said it was since I was 16 years old. Now that I think about it. He would go visit her every six months or so and not just for lunch! Eventually it was almost everyday. I remember phoning him on his cell and he was always in the car and never home on time. Eventually my mom made him tell us, it was devastating. In my youth my naive eye’s put him on a pedestal. Now I know he is just human and has many, many faults. I see my parents and wish more for them. My mom should just fucking leave, but she lacks the courage. This is far from a judgment, because after 40 something years (living a good lifestyle) I wouldn’t want to leave. Having my father is an asset, sorry for using such a cold term, but he has a cold personality when it comes down to immediate family.
I have two beautiful nieces and it makes me sad to see how he really plays with them. He used to do that with me. Now of course, I don’t expect the same way had played, but it doesn’t matter. Those two are the joy of their life.
You how many times my dad has asked if it was ok if he was to drop by??? None, he would come over if I offered him to, but he wouldn’t if I never asked. He has seen my place once in seven years, seven years!!!
Now it is 50/50 part my fault part his. He just never thinks of these things. He has seen both my sisters places more then he has seen both my condo’s. Then again my sister has always invited them over and I don’t entertain well. I am happy just to let people do what they want. Most people don’t understand this concept. They think it is rude, but I make it very clear they are allowed to go into my fridge and grab a beer or just ask if they can have to something to eat. I don’t know if this is just me? It may be, but I have no problem to ask people if I can get another beer/wine or if they have something to eat. Again this is ironic. I find a lot of things I say is ironic. I have a very little social life, but if you were to plop me into a social setting I would manage fine. It is just getting there. That’s my issue, but a big one