I am working on publishing a book inspired by Jenny Lawson! So keep your eyes open
Valentines day 2/14/17
Sorry for the late post, I was going to post it on Valentines Day
As you can tell by the date was Valentines Day. People make such a big fucking deal about it!!! The people with others feel compelled to do something, well some do. The people with no one who create their anniversary or whatever on this day its shitty. My friend’s anniversary is today. It’s a smart thing to do if you have a poor memory, however like every year it still comes around till your dead. My sister is with someone and she loves holidays but doesn’t see a big deal and frankly at the end of it I don’t either. You can make your own valentines day any day and it’s a shitty reminder for people.
I can’t figure something witting to say. Well I did just realize it was Valentines Day sitting here. I throw up my fist with a middle finger in the air to this day. Essentially it only benefits the restaurants, movie theatres and other places you literally can visit 365 days minus holidays.
Enough of that, its just another day! In the scheme of this like any holiday that involves another day to justify to get make a fool of yourself by putting mustard and ketchup on you Ding a ling thing. Well I guess it would be something else! Guys you know what I mean.
Take New Years, Yeah so we have been though another 365 days, what’s there to celebrate about that. It literally means that everything and everyone is that much older? What my actual point is, it’s just an excuse to get shit faced. DUH you can do that any day of the week! No ones giving you permission. It’s a little different when you’re under age. Once you’re of age it really is just another day.
Whew, for anyone that suffers from either of these mental illnesses, knows how trying life can be! My medication messes with my logical thinking! It also lowers my energy level considerably.
I will use a scale of one to ten. One being the lowest and ten the highest level of energy, my best days are when I have positive energy from people around me. However my energy is still lower than others regardless. Say your energy level is at a eight on a regular day, mine would be at a six. The lower my energy level the harder to cope with the smallest of undertakings I have trouble with. Others wonder why I can’t keep hobbies on continuing to write. I get stressed and defeated more than others quickly. When others with a energy level of eight can keep pushing on through all the shit that life throws at them. For anyone who suffers daily from these debilitating mental illnesses knows exactly what I mean.
To control this disorder I have, to have some control I need to be on higher dosages than the regular person with a typical classification of epilepsy. I hate it for this reason. No amount of medication, classification or surgery can help control the malformation I have.
My mind is constantly spinning and there is nothing to control it. I sit here and listen to my music and still hear that voice in the back of my head feeding me negative thoughts about my life and how to fill my day.
I had a really negative comment come in! If you don't like what I have to say, don't bother commenting please. This is My blog and I have some mental illnesses. I am doing this for people with mental illnesses not to be criticized for something I have absolutely no control over. I know people with day to day struggles will understand.
The Invisible Disorder
Well I have come to realize that strangers, or even people I socialize on a daily basis at the coffee shop don’t necessarily know what I deal with under my skin. I look as if I am “normal” (hate that word) wouldn’t necessarily know what to do if I was to have a seizure, because I have learned to hide the smaller ones and the bigger ones could catch them off guard and they may not know what to do. I get no real warning to when I will blank out and fall backwards. I find it always catches people off guard, oh and don’t try to “catch” me!
The store is obligated to call the EMS for liability reasons, as much I hate it I also understand, It just escalates my stress levels and embarrassment. I know, I shouldn’t be embarrassed, it’s hard not to be when I have ten people hovering over me then the EMS arrive and do their steps to make sure I am good. The positive side is that there is always one person, even if they don’t know why, they have this genuine caring personality that would help me even without having to understand what is going on!
This is the irony of my thought process.
This is has always been a struggle for me. I walk, talk and act as if I don’t have Epilepsy. Unless I have a seizure you would never know unless you knew me That is a little redundant, but it is true.
I survived 2017 Easter weekend. Normally I fucking hate these holidays. Not because they are about family, but in my case lack thereof my family.. I had easter dinner with my Nuffie neighbors and ALL their family. My neighbors are incredibly generous and down right great people.
It was a little awkward, but I did my best.
It made me see to see ALL of them and remembering the times we had those days where we all got together. It’s sad, everyone just has completely given up. No effort put into arranging any dinners. I can understand in some ways, but shit hit the fan years ago. None of our family, besides my sister gives a shit. I actually do, after seeing my neighbors family and friends. The only family we have is each other, but we have ended up adopting my brother in-laws family.
I realize that I am behind on blogging. I have been focused on my book and neglected my site for a while, my apologies. I have had a rough couple weeks. I have now bailed on 3 Meet-ups! One was tomorrow about shyness and anxiety. However my sister invited me to her place tomorrow. Family comes first for me and there always be another meet-up. So I did do this conscientiously. My parents are away, but none of us are religious, well my mom to a point. Either way Easter is just about chocolate now. I think if Jesus he would start another plague!
I know some disagree with some my believe theories, but remember I have nothing against yours. As I always say, what helps you cope with day to day pressures, obstacles and life is yours and I have mine. I am not famous and here in lies my issue with blogging. I get discouraged when no one writes anything. I have provided all the reputable links, but if I was well known I would have people responding so I may as well be writing for my book then anything else. This didn't turn out the way I had hoped. Sorry, it is life probably telling me something. But when I publish my book, then I will have the money and fans to create a real blog. Signing off for now
OK, this is seriously funny, in an ironic way! I was all set to go to my first "Meetup" tonight! Of course I was anxious, that is a given for me. I am in between medication changes and it isn't working out...The story of my life! This is the part of me that hates me and my limitations. I walk to have coffee, yes you are right I could have a seizure at any point!!! However this is a strange outing and a big crowd of people that do not no me from... a Stranger (I was hoping that something clever would come out) Anyway so another weekend by myself watching netflix Daredevil and Iron Fist. Fucking lame. This is my daily struggle to find friends, but then this Freak of mother natures creations decides "Nope, you are going to stay a loser for now"
I don't mean all of that, it's societal repression. I should have friends, I should go out, I should...WTF. right now I am depressed and angry I was born this way.
I don't know where I stand with reincarnation, but say I did. I probably shot someone or worse, because I didn't get much from this life so far, but wisdom about things that piss me off, like societal pressure, drinking and smoking! You name it. So that's my feel good thoughts for the day. Your not alone, even if you feel like me binge watching netflix and drinking wine!!!
I have found this website to have become a little more serious then intended! In fact all I wanted was a Blog, which is my fault. I have provided many useful links and content. However as seriously as this disorder should be taken, if you cannot find a way to laugh at yourself then all the websites and information won't help. I would like to rid some of the world of their ignorance, but this is exactly why I created this site. Anyway it sucks shit out and is raining and I cannot drive and so on and so on. Yes it is depressing, because I know how to drive a car, boat, snowmobile and anything else that has a motor in it. So i guess I am venting a little as well. i am lucky to be able to afford a car, but it would just collect dust in my underground parking garage. I actually had a semi-future career planned out before I started to blank out and drop, that was a kick to the balls. I am still upset about it today. My therapist did put it in perspective for me however. She said its not that I can't drive these this, but that it is just dangerous for me and everyone around. So, I don't feel as bad about it anymore.
2017 My Boat Accident
Anyone who has driven a boat knows that they are very different from a car. You don’t have lanes you have to stay in. Not even traffic. It is easy to slow down and doesn’t take one second to get into an accident like it does in a car. My parents decided to move to mainland. You can drive you car right to the front door of the cottage. To be honest I was actually relieved, because I would be the one hiking the heavy groceries and luggage from the car to the boat then from the boat up to the cottage
The couple that bought my parents cottage had three beautiful daughters. Since I knew the cottage inside and out, I decided I would go over and ask them if they ever needed any help with a hand with anything they could always ask. Well of course I had an ulterior motive. The way I see it is I take the opportune moment to talk to a girl(s). Since cottage life was new to all of them they were all there. We sat around had a beer and talked for an informal time. I got to meet all their girls. Two of the women were older then me at that time. I ended up with the youngest who was twenty-two. I was twenty-one at the time so we got along great well in the beginning then everything went sideways from there. She would always let me drive, because she was nervous to drive the boats. So I always drove the boat that was fine with me; I loved to drive them. One night I stayed at her parent’s cottage. Her dad was president of Toyota Credit. At that time it was the only non-unionized office and car manufacturer out there. They would travel two hours from the cottage to get to work (which is insane if you ask me) this meant getting up at five thirty an ungodly hour to take her to work. However I kept having these short periods of extreme grogginess. She kept asking me if I was ok. Thinking it was just the fact it was so early in the morning I said yes and continued to get ready. Since they were on an island I took her to the nearby marina where they moored at. Little did I know this would start a series of events that would leave many scars for years to come!
We got ready, with no description as to how naked we were and went to their boat (at this point we were clothed) and made the trip to the marina. I remember that it was so early in the morning that fog had not cleared on the lake and there was only the sound of far off birds greeting the morning with the dew still left on the leaves. I was still hazy and really disoriented. This is the point at which I asked myself if I actually fucked up!
It was if someone had mashed the seconds I was out together and until I was used to recognizing was as if nothing happened.